Thursday, December 30, 2010

Babies are OK, but I have a bleed.

Thank you everyone for your well wishes. It's so nice to have support at such a scary time. My US went well yesterday. Babies had good HB's (150ish), were moving around, and were even measuring ahead 1 day. Now the not so good news. She found 2 bleeds, right between the two sacs where it's kind of weak. They should heal up OK, but it does carry a slightly higher risk. I'm on bedrest and off Lovenox, so that should help them go away. The bleeding is already so much less and darker.
Now, if only my stupid doppler would cooperate with me. I've been having a little trouble finding the HB's today, but 1) I haven't been moving around much, so they are probably all over the place and 2) sometimes it's hard to find. Twice I've been at the OB and the doc couldn't find the HB, so they had to pull out the portable US machine. Just with the bleeding, I'd like to find those HB's easier for reassurance!

Happy new year's to an amazing 2011!

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Bleeding-very, very scared

So tonight when I went to the bathroom, I noticed bright red blood. Horrible. I'm so scared. Please keep my babies in your prayers. I go for an US tomorrow morning. Please God, let there be two heartbeats. Please.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to all. May all your miracles come true this holiday season. God bless my family and health.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Early Merry Christmas to me.

So yesterday was another great US. Both babies are starting to get cramped in their little sacks, and they move around so much it is hard to get good pictures anymore. But both are good. Measured at 12W2D, HB 150 & 156. Pretty much perfect. I guess I was right, that US tech at the hospital didn't know what he was doing when he said the HB's were 180. I guess they could have been, but it doesn't matter. Then the not so good news, though. My NK numbers were too high and my TH ratios were way off. So they asked me to stay for a 2 1/2 hour double dose Ivig infusion. I had just gotten my infusions covered through a local hospital, and my son was with us because schools out. So we had left at 9:30 and didn't get home until late. Very late. But it's OK, as the babies are protected now. Hopefully the Ivig is busy soaking up all those nasty NK cells.

You know, to anyone who doubts the immune system having a role in RPL, look at me. That's one reason I started this blog. Sure, it's not the answer for everyone, but for younger women with autoimmune issues who don't have egg/ovulation issues, it is so the answer. And if you look hard enough for answers and leave no stone unturned, you will find answers. Sure, they might be expensive and controversal, but what do you have to lose? I wasn't willing to lose anymore. I've lost enough.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Graduated to the second trimester now :)

So, updates, updates. The cardiologist was really great. She wants me on a no-salt diet to try and control the HBP. Um, considering I'm already gluten and sugar free, um, that's really hard. What the heck am I supposed to eat? But I do like the fact that she wanted to try and avoid meds and try diet first. I like that. And my heart looks good, it's just retaining water due to the prednisone. Ideally I would be off the pred, but considering that is one of the key factors in why I've made it this far, um, no. And she understands. So then I went to my MFM and he put me on a blood pressure med. And he was not happy about me being on pred. Which again, people, I understand, I don't particularly like the nasty drug either, but hello, no meds=3 m/c's, this pregnancy=second trimester. It seems to be working.
And then I had another US on friday and everything was good. I'm a little concerned because the HB's were high (180 BPM), but the guy (yes, guy) was kind of a doof and even needed to check with the radiologist to make sure he got enough info. The good US techs never need to check. And they give me a CD :)
And another little discerning issue is um, discharge related. It is very much more increased. Which yes, I know is normal, but nothing that changes is normal to a RPLer. Loss changes you. You can never be the normal pregnant lady again. You worry, all the time, about everything. And then when you aren't worried, you worry about why you aren't worried. Oh yeah, loss sucks. So my biggest concern is that it's some nasty infection. Which I've looked up and it could be, but due to my Lyme disease, I'm already on the recommended antibiotics for. So I should be covered. So my next theory is that it's increased blood flow, due to the decreased BP, and that I am a normal pregnant lady experiencing normal leukorrhea. Go figure.
US tomorrow-I can't wait!

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Yes, we have 2 HB's :)

So the US went well. The thing that is so frustrating about the high blood pressure is that nobody wants to touch it. My Reproductive Immunologist says it's due to the pregnancy and my OB needs to handle the issue. My high risk OB says my RI has me on prednisone, which is causing the high BP, so she needs to handle it. Then my regular OB says we'll just watch it. But the good news is that I got squeezed into an appt with a cardiologist tomorrow morning. He has to handle it right? I've heard they're kinda jerks though. And then I got into another high risk OB tomorrow night-and he's a nice one. So between the two, someone has got to help me.
Kristi-no one has really said why. They just don't want to deal with it. Kwak is concerned about it, but it's not really her thing. She's the one who said to see the cardio. She said she would give me a blood pressure med if she had to, but she'd rather have someone else deal with it. I don't blame her, but it's scaring me because it cannot be a good thing. But it will be OK. Someone's got to do something tomorrow. It's only a day away!

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Please let there be two HB's. Please!

So my blood pressure is still way too high and I can't sleep. I can't get a straight answer from a doctor on what to do about it as they are all saying "it's not my problem", see the other doctor. And I'm scared. Very scared. I have an US at 2pm today and I am praying everything is OK. All I ask for is two HB's. Pretty, pretty please again!

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Why am I freaking out?

So lately I think I have been more nervous than I was before. I guess I let myself get optimistic and now I'm worried. My symptoms are changing (which I know is normal), my blood pressure is way up this morning (150/90) and I have entered a new phase-Insomnia. I get up to pee and then I can't get back to sleep. I maybe get 6 hours of sleep. But I'm not really tired. I'm thinking it's related to being worried, but I can't help it. After 3 losses, now twins, thousands of dollars in medical costs for this pregnancy, and of course I really, really want these babies! I just had an US on thursday and things were perfect, but I don't know how I'm going to wait until tuesday. I even bought a stupid "listening device" aka doppler thing to try and find the HB's, and of course it didn't work.Which is not too concerning because I didn't expect it to work, but it would have been nice to have some reassurance. it July yet? Pretty please?

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

I made it!

So I made it past 9 weeks! Yeah! I know that 12 or even 14 are really the "safe" times, but for me, 9 weeks is huge. And I'm now at 10W3D. Got to see them again yesterday and everything was perfect. Two beautiful HB's again. God, am I lucky. This is truly a miracle. My miracles. I am a little calmer now that I'm past D week, but my symptoms are changing. I know that's normal, but I now miss the nausea. Now I just keep eating! I'm so hungry all the time!
I've got another Ivig infusion tomorrow and my doc is finally back from vacation to go over all my bloodwork results. The nurse said all my numbers look good, but I'm anxious to see them myself.
Thanks everyone for the birthday wishes, I had a good quiet day at home.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Happy Birthday to me!

A beautiful snowfall outside, and two babies growing inside...what could be better!

Friday, December 3, 2010

Another great US-just how I like them

I am so lucky that I have three docs (an OB, a MFM, and a Reproductive Immunologist) following this pregnancy. And although they all know of each other, they still treat me like they are my main doctor. And for this I am thankful. It means that I get an ultrasound every four days or so. That is so awesome. I love seeing my babes as often as I can. I was actually thinking of not going to the one this week because I had one on monday and my birthday is tomorrow, so I didn't want any bad news to ruin my day. But instead I went yesterday and it was great. My husband got to come with and the little ones were even moving. And I could just stare at the screen forever staring at their little hearts beating. Is that weird? I doubt it after all us IF ladies have gone thru.
I also decided to name them Apple and Banana. I of course needed something gender neutral and they always refer to them as baby a and baby b, so it fits. I want to get apple and banana ornaments for the tree this year. I only have two more weeks before we can start spreading the news. I think I'm pretty good at 12 weeks. Of course I know something could happen at any time, but I'm OK with that. I've got to start being optimistic sometime, right?
Happy Birthday to me tomorrow, from Apple and Banana :)

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Ivig, oh how I love thee!

So today I go for my third round of Ivig and I can't wait. I truly think it has been my golden ticket. I remember reading about it after my first miscarriage and thinking that's what I need. I don't care of all these studies saying it doesn't work, because it must work for some. And that some is me. I am so lucky to have found a doc who believes in it too. I remember reading a post from some lady who was angry that Dr. Kwak kept prescribing it because she couldn't afford it. I understand completely, but um, she thinks it works and wants to save your baby, she's not trying to bankrupt you. So, thank you Ivig for saving my babies.
And Hi Kristi-I just want to say you are my inspiration. I've been reading your blog and as soon as I read your story, I knew I had to see Dr. Kwak too. I'll be at her office earlier today, but I hope we get to meet someday!

Monday, November 29, 2010

Two glorious HB's still!

So this week has been the week from h*ll. It's what I like to call D week, otherwise known as death week. Week 8-9. When I lose my babies. But I'm making it. Holy crap, I'm past week 8 and into week 9. Today's US was great. Two HB's, even got to see the one baby move a little. So awesome. Back on wednesday for my miracle IVIG. I can't wait. Is it July yet?

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Happy Thanksgiving!

Today I am thankful for my family and hopeful for my family to be. Please let this work out. An important US tomorrow morning. I've got to make it past this week. I have to. I will.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Good Ultrasound/Bad News

So I had my US yesterday, and I love the US tech. The reproductive doc I'm seeing only sees high-risk, multiple loss women, so the whole staff knows how high-strung we are. So the first thing she says, is there's the HB's! Then they measured great at 170BPM. There is a bleed that they think is causing the spotting, so I get to be on bed rest already. I have a feeling that's going to be a recurring theme for this pregnancy. Hey, I'm actually planning for the future of this one. Let's just say I'm hopeful. Ivig is the wonder drug, and I'm getting more tomorrow.
Now the bad news. Dr. Kwak says because my ANA's are positive, and very high (1280 titer), it will be an uphill battle. Not an impossible one, just uphill. But I like battles. I'm a good fighter. And my babies will have to start out being fighters themselves. They've come this far. Just a little further to go. I see a safety net in our future soon.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Spotting Sucks

So there's nothing that strikes fear in the heart of someone who's miscarried like blood. Specifically on the TP. It's not a lot, and the doc said it's likely from a bleed I have between the sacs, but it's still scary. Frightening. Horrifying. But there's nothing I can do. I'm taking all the meds recommended by my doc, I got the IVIG approved and infused on Friday, and am now on bedrest. Now I wait. Luckily only until tomorrow when I have another US at 11:30. I'm praying everything's going to be OK.

Friday, November 19, 2010

The best doctor in the world!

Thank you to everyone who commented on my last post. Some of you I read, some I can't wait to check out and follow. I am a blogger addict. I love to follow people and hear their stories. I'm just not good at commenting. Too shy I guess. But now that I know what a difference a comment can make, I may just start more.

Now on to my appointment today. Still two heartbeats! Yeah!!! Double yeah! I am now seeing one of the leading reproductive immunologists, Dr, Kwak-Kim. And she is the best. Every single woman dealing with infertility, recurrent loss, one loss, high risk pregnancy-should see her. She is a welcome change from the usual doc who thinks you have "bad luck" or it was "meant to be". She used to study under Dr. Alan Beer and still does leading research into the immunologic cause of miscarriage. She has me on a regimen of Metanx (prescription folic acid), baby aspirin, prednisone, progesterone in oil and IVIG. She wants to be as aggressive as possible. That is great. A huge change from my last pregnancy when my other reproductive immunologist did nothing. Ran two tests, and prescribed nothing. And I lost the pregnancy. Enough said. Dr. Kwak said the same thing. So-tomorrow I've got to try and get IVIG covered by insurance and get that "miracle drug" pumping. It's got lives to save!

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

OMG!!! OMG!!!

So I had to say it twice because there are two babies!!! AHHHH!!! Twins, I was not expecting that at all. And two perfect HB's. 150 and 147. I guess that explains the high beta number. Now I pray. Pray that these guys (or girls) stick around. Pray that my brand new job that I start tomorrow will understand I might need some time off for drs appointments. Pray that the reproductive immunologist who I believe can help me can get me in soon. Because I am quickly approaching the 7-9 week time that I lose my pregnancies. But today, tonight, I have two babies with glorious HB's. Tomorrow's a new day to worry about, right?

Ultrasound-Heartbeat or no?

I go in one hour to see if my little bean has a heartbeat. There should be one there. My HCG from yesterday was a whopping 159,000. That's awesome! At 7 weeks, I am actually at the high end of the scale for once. Now the bad news, today I feel horrible sick. And not the nausea that caused me to think I had cancer and wasn't pregnant. Only an infertile would be so stupid. Or I guess it's more naive. When you've had more pregnancies than living children, you tend to think of the worst I guess. Bad things happen. All the time. No, I've got a cold, and I'm paranoid that means that my immune system is all out of whack and killing my baby as we speak. But I guess there's nothing I can do. But hope for the best. Hope for that little flicker on the screen. Hope that I won't need surgery next week, because this one's different. I hope!

Friday, October 22, 2010


Today I have to have an MRI. I had a CT Scan last year to check out a hernia from my c-section and they found "an ill-defined lesion" on my liver. An MRI was recommended for further evaluation. So, more than a YEAR later, I am finally having said MRI. I used to be OK with tests. After my second miscarriage I wanted tests, tests and more tests. They all came back normal. Then there was the test in February that my PCP ran after I complained of cold hands. The good 'ol A.NA test. The test that changed my life forever. The one test that ever came back abnormal. And diagnosed me with an incurable, autoimmune disease. And one of the bad ones. One that nobody has ever heard of and my mom still can't pronounce. One that is rare and you don't want. You don't want any of them, but especially not this one.

So even though my doc said it's nothing to worry about, the radiologist just wants to get a better look, I'm scared. Tests scare me now. I'm afraid of what they'll find. I'm afraid of the abnormal. I just want to be normal again. Wish me luck!

Friday, October 15, 2010

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

So, today on pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day, I thought I would remember my babies by starting my blog to help other women/families know that there is hope after loss. There is always hope, in life, I just need to remember that myself sometimes.